Things to Consider Before Having Family or a Friend Officiate Your Wedding

Note: My darling friend from across the pond – @Natasha of The Malaga Minister – has inspired this post. Thank you, love!

I think it surprises people when, as a professional wedding officiant, I say that I’m not against people choosing friends and family to officiate their wedding. Because as much as I low-key wish I could do all the fun ceremonies for all the amazing people in love in every beautiful location, I AM BUT ONE WOMAN. And having family or a friend officiate a wedding is honestly how a lot of pros caught the bug, including me!

No, what I really hate is when what could have been an amazing moment was a boring, forgettable, regrettable, or disastrous one. I am #antiboringweddings after all. That’s why I’m going to share with you some things to consider before having family or a friend officiate your wedding.

My credentials: I’m Marie and I’ve been a full-time professional wedding officiant since 2011 with well over a thousand wedding ceremonies performed. I invite you to peruse around this website and feel out my vibe yourself if you want more info than that. 🙂

So this is how we’re gonna do this:

Get a pen and paper, open your notes app, stack poker chips into columns, whatever gives the dopamine… What you’re looking for is something to keep score. We’re doing one column as the Pro column and another as the Loved One column. Got it? Vamos…

Be honest now - how reliable & responsible are they?

Yes, mes amies, we need to be honest with ourselves. This is not just a toast or speech your Loved One will be giving. There are religious, cultural, and political waters to navigate during this legally-binding ceremony. If you want this to go smoothly, then your Loved One needs to be organized, sensitive, responsive, a decent writer, and a skilled public speaker.

Not only that, you need to know that they are as reliable as the sun, showing up as predicted and promised. You need to know they will ask you the right questions. You will need them to show up on time every time for your ceremony writing meeting(s), the rehearsal (if you decide you need them there for it), and of course, on wedding day. The kind of person who already is thinking of a backup plan should an emergency arise and they can’t show up on wedding day to ensure that your ceremony can continue in their absence.

Knowing this…

Add +10 points to the Pro column if you want someone with the experience to navigate the legal, religious, cultural, political, and personal nuances of a marriage ceremony

Add another +10 points to the Pro column if you want someone with a proven track record by couples just like you that they will show up and do a great job

Add +30 points to the Loved One column if after reading all that, in your heart of hearts you still want your Loved One to officiate your wedding ceremony

How fun and creative can they sustainably be?

Look, I think this is the best work in the world. No cap, no joke, no lie. I LOVE what I do. I cannot recommend it enough.

However, I have learned a lot of people are not prepared for how emotionally demanding this work can be. Not to mention, it’s a lot of pressure because you only get one shot to do someone’s wedding right.

Performing a wedding is way more than just speaking for 15 minutes *if* it’s done well. It’s kinda like when you watch ice skaters at the Olympics: they make it look easy because they have thousands and thousands of hours of practice. It is the same with officiating a ceremony because a lot more goes into it than most people think. Hours of writing and researching, knowing different cultures well enough to navigate them and deliver an appropriate ceremony, constant creative problem-solving for changes big and small, not to mention being organized and punctual to multiple events over several months…

What I’m saying is that your Loved One will need to be in a good mood, creative and ready for you regardless of what’s going on with them personally. Now, to be fair, that’s only true if you want your wedding ceremony to be centered on you two as a couple. (And before people get angry in the imaginary comments, remember that not everyone wants a wedding centered on the couple and that’s okay! Knowing what you actually want is the first step to making it a reality.)

Now that we have considered things in this light:

-20 points to the Loved One column if after reading the description above, your immediate response when thinking of your Loved One ranged anywhere on the spectrum from squirmy or uncomfortable all the way to immediately shaking your head no or tossing the phone across the room in sudden upset

+10 points to the Pro column if you want someone with the experience and reviews that show they can reliably give you the kind of wedding you want

+10 points to the Loved One column if you read the description above and smiled to yourself because it made you think of how your Loved One is so perfect for this (Awww!)

+10 points to the Loved One column if you don’t want your wedding to be centered on you as a couple and want your shared relationship with your Loved One to be a focal point of the wedding ceremony

Can your family or friend officiate your wedding legally?

In order to get legally married in the US, you will get a marriage license from the place where you are getting married. If that’s home, then you can get it locally. If you are getting married somewhere else, you will need to get the marriage license there. Example: If you live in Texas, but come to California to get married, you have to the marriage license here in California and not back home in Texas.

So, here is where it gets complicated. The laws that dictate who can solemnize a marriage change by country, state/province, county, and even city, in some areas.

Fun fact: the word “solemnize” here literally means to make serious with ceremony, pomp, and circumstance. I find this hilarious on so many levels.

This all means that whoever you choose to officiate or solemnize your marriage (meaning to perform the ceremony but in American legalese), that person needs to meet the legal requirements from the place where you are getting married. In Florida and Nevada, for example, a licensed notary can legally perform a wedding ceremony. (But you need to live in those states to be a notary there.) In Oregon and New York, however, notaries do not have the authority to solemnize or officiate a marriage ceremony. Some states leave the particulars of who can marry you to the parish or county, even.

Now that you know all this…

+20 points to the Pro column if, after reading all that, you now just want someone who already knows these systems and can help you navigate it

-10 points to the Loved One column if either you or your Loved One don’t know if they can legally perform your wedding in the jurisdiction where you’re getting married as you read this

+10 points to the Loved One column if they can tell you the first time that you ask if they can legally marry you in your wedding venue’s jurisdiction

+5 points to the Loved One column if they can site legal sources as proof they can legally marry you when asked.

+10 points to the Loved One column if they are responsible and willing to learn.

What's the score?

Tally up those scores! The higher score shows you the path you’re already leaning toward.

If having a friend or family member officiate your wedding is your path, I love that for you! There are tons of resources out there in books and online for scripts, readings, unity ceremonies, all kinds of stuff! And I’m happy to be a resource if you or they like. (I offer mentorships, I’ve spoken on podcasts and occasionally do webinars.)

If choosing a professional wedding officiant is where you landed, I’m so excited for you! Of course, if you’re in California, I’d love it if you consider me!

Check out Let's Get Married by Marie's packages

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But if you find I’m not your vibe, you can find a wedding officiant that is through web searches, but also through directories like Google Maps, Yelp, Everywhere is Queer, etc. Don’t forget to ask your venue, wedding planner, photographer, or DJ for recommendations. (Because I promise, if the officiant is good, at least one of those people will be able to send you their way!)

Whatever your path, I genuinely hope that you are choosing to get married in a way that reflects you and your partner authentically and without undue pressure and stress. Getting married is a very tender and vulnerable time in a relationship, and it’s important that you two make sustainable decisions that bring joy to your hearts and hope for the future. Joy matters. Your love is worthy of celebration. Move accordingly.